I have. . .

So I had been wanting to get this fleece jacket for a while now. So Court and I were out and about one day and we happened to stop by The Mast General Store, which is awesome and I found it there on sale for 50% off and I just couldnt pass it up because I couldnt bring myself to pay full price for one, which is why I never had one until now. But here is my dilemma with the purchase I have made.

When we first showed up there, I wasnt in a bad mood at all, I was just kind of its good to be here and with Court, but Im not overly excited type of mood. When I first saw the jacket I thought, man thats a really good price and I liked the color of it and thought, you know what, Ive been wanting this jacket for a while so why not. As soon as I made the purchase, I immediately entered into this new realm of happiness for the day.

As we continued on our journey for the day, we were driving out west and my mind was just bouncing around as usual and I thought to myself, you know, Im in a better mood. So I thought, what got me into a better mood, and I came to the conclusion that it was the buying of the jacket. And its already been kind of a long month or so with wrestling with some questions and with trying to find a new job and so I was happy about a very good purchase I made.

Then I thought to myself, why cant I be this happy about my relationship with God? Why cant I be this happy after a good read or a good conversation Ive had with God or with a friend or after an encounter with a customer or with Sam at Panera? Why do I have to buy something to make me feel better? Buy? Why is it that buying things make us happier but spending time in prayer doesnt, we just end up complaining, whether in our head or verbally after 5 minutes of prayer. Im not saying buying stuff is bad at all, because I love to shop, I know, its the girl side coming out in me, but I enjoy buying stuff, which Im sure we all do. But why do I have to buy something to make myself happy? Why cant I just be as happy when I hear about a friend getting a job that pays pretty good when I still dont enjoy my job? Why cant I be just as happy when Courtney has had a good day teaching? Why cant I be just as happy about someone overcoming an addiction or whatever it may be? Why is it that I really only become happy inside when something good happens to me? This just seems so selfish on my part.

Maybe because somehow in my life Ive bought into this idea that its about me and in order to be happy and make myself happy I have to be the one succeeding and I have to be the one doing good and I have to be the one that looks good and I have to and I have to and I have . . .